User Profile

1) Started drawing in August 2003.
2) Uses 0.5 mechanical pencils, Micron pens, smooth Bristol, Adobe Photoshop for comics.
3) Most characters are based off real people -- names and traits, included.
4) I named my comic “Sausage Fest” because it reflects one of the more common college expressions: when a party or a lecture mainly consists of a bunch of guys, it is called a “sausage fest.” Considering that the main characters are a group of males living in an apartment, the title seemed only fitting. Furthermore, my comic is supposed to be the summation of college as a whole, so using a coined college expression also seemed necessary. Oh, and despite popular belief, I’m not a homosexual and consequently named my comic “Sausage Fest.”
5) Comic was called "Crackerjack Nation" for a few months, till I was about to get sued by the company who owns Crackerjack (the caramel corn).
6) I am an English/Graphic Design major.
7) "Get Fuzzy", "Doonesbury", and "The Boondocks" are all nationally syndicated comics, thus I do not know the artists.
8) I know Matt Vroom of "I Hate Pam", Pat Doran of "The Way Life Should Be", and Matt Yurkanin of "Thoughtless". Despite anything that may be printed, we're all good friends.
9) Look out for "sausage-fest.com" soon (once I have money to buy the domain).

	Chris. Naïve and wholly innocent, Chris is a freshman at U of I, majoring in Bio-Mathematical Poly-English. He’s unaware of the realities of college life but is more than willing to experience every facet of it. With the help of his roommates, friends, and a colorful ensemble of weird and idiosyncratic characters, Chris tackles life in the microcosmic world of college. However, will he survive? Chris enjoys clothing with smiley faces on them, boneless buffalo wings, and monkeys – well, except the rabid, neurotic monkeys. Those ones are just plain mean. Quote: ”Jesus Christ! I’m trying to masturbate in peace!”
	Nigel the Sensible, Angelic Voice of Reason. With an admirable sense of duty and responsibility, Nigel presides over the Sausage Fest characters as an unseen guide to all things good and decent. He represents kindness, compassion, and charity, aspects that most of the cast is incapable of ever possessing. Still, Nigel tries his best, and when all else fails, he goes out drinking. Nigel is the exact counterpart to Randy, and the two are always seen together, trying to sort out the mess that Chris and his friends put themselves into. Quote: “Well, your ‘time machine’ is just your I-Pod and an extension cord duct-taped to a Pokey Stix box… ”
	Randy the Saucy, Satanic Voice of Temptation. The perfect yet reverse complement to Nigel, Randy is the chain-smoking, booze-drinking devil that likes to cause trouble for Chris and his friends. Although he’s always tempting others and giving them god-awful advice, he does manage to spice up their lives. It’s his sinful, spontaneous, and mischievous ways that unconsciously infect the other characters… so when they all drop out of college and become knife-wielding, compulsive-gambling alcoholics, they can thank Randy and his self-destructive influence. Quote: “A year in this school has deep-fried my brain.”
	Indie Rawk Jeffro. The 1st of Chris’s roommates, Jeffro is a surly, chiseled-jaw, messy-haired alcoholic. His love of obscure, independent-labeled music is the sole reason why he has no nose. According to him, noses are a product of mainstream culture. He also has a baseball bat in which he uses to beat drug-fiends (drug-fiends other than Aaron). When not drunk, he can be found listening to Wilco and Modest Mouse or sulking in front of where Record Service used to be. Quote: “Take me seriously, please…! I’m Indie…”
	Mike. Mike is the dry-witted, unshaven, black-clad 2nd roommate of Chris. A rebel at heart, he has a penchant for cigarettes, the words “shit” and “fuck,” and telling it like it is. Although he’s coolly sedate sometimes (probably due to his smoking habit), Mike has been known to become easily irate and lose his temper (also, probably due to his smoking habit). Quote: “Fuck Bush, that goddamned mother-fucking, cunt-sucking sonuvabitch asshole.”
	Aaron. With a bong at his side and a sleepy-eyed look on his face, Aaron is the 3rd roommate of Chris. According to this D.A.R.E. dropout, anything could be utilized as a drug: white out, expired cans of clam chowder, even recorded episodes of Mr. Rogers. But don’t let his tie-dye shirt and ferocious appetite for the munchies fool you. Therein lies an intelligent mind… somewhere… Oh, he’s also a big Phish fan, but he doesn’t own any of their albums; he spends his parents’ money on those “other” extracurricular activities. Quote: “Man, I gotta stop getting high and humping random things…”
	Kyle the Duck. He’s a duck. He’s double majoring in Mechanical Engineering and World Domination. He’s an evil duck double majoring in Mechanical Engineering and World Domination. And he owns a gun. No taller than your average wastebasket, his ability to deliver snide remarks are more remarkable than the fact that he can speak or get away with not wearing any pants. After Joe Stalin graduates and leaves the apartment, he becomes Chris’s 5th roommate. Quote: “I’ll cut you Funshine Bear.”
	Joe Stalin. Majoring in Rhetoric with a minor in World Domination, Joe Stalin is Chris’s 4th roommate. He graduates at the end of the Fall 2004 semester, moves out, and is replaced by a fellow World Domination classmate, Kyle the Duck. Despite his departure, Joe Stalin becomes a TA for the University and continues to interact with his old roommates. Beneath his excessive Abercrombie and Fitch gear, Joe Stalin bears a striking resemblance to a certain Russian dictator. Quote: “I’m a fucking box of Q-Tips.”
	Jen. Jen is the sassy Asian neighbor of Chris. Relatively normal in comparison to the rest of the cast, she brings her sharp, witty commentary to Chris’s often-misguided adventures. In addition, their friendship is on a total platonic level, therefore dismissing the audience’s notion of the two ever falling in love. A levelheaded student, Jen spends most of her time studying, working at a local coffee house, or humorously criticizing the idiotic tendencies of her college peers. Quote: “Every time I hear Britney Spears talk seriously, I just wanna slap her.”
	Lindsey. She is one of Jen’s roommates. A wacky, pierced blonde fully aware of her feminine sexuality, Lindsey is majoring in Family and Consumer Science. Although some would say she is far less suited to handle children -- particularly because of her untamed, let’s-go-kill-old-people personality -- she is a kind, heart-warming individual… with an assortment of weapons and an overcharged libido. Quote: “#1, I have boobs. And #2, I suggest we get drunk and steal police cars.”
	Jill. She is another one of Jen’s roommates. Hulking and muscular, at first she appears to be an ogrish-type monster with a tendency to eat men. The truth is, however, after being exposed to radioactive material, this once lovely beauty queen from Pennsylvania was transformed into a green giant. Her incoherent grunts and affinity for putting men in her mouth are actually defense mechanisms; she’s afraid of talking to boys, and meeting them renders her otherwise eloquent voice to a series of indiscernible groans. Quote: “BWAH?”
	Lizzy, the Unattainable British Love Interest. Elizabeth Sharon Angelique Roseshire-Wellington, for the sake of your conventional storyline, is Chris’s plaid skirt-wearing crush from London. However, it is unclear whether she’s oblivious to Chris’s advances or if she actually is attracted to him. Like Chris, Lizzy is also a Bio-Mathematical Poly-English major. Quote: “It’s all hunky-dory, luv.”
	Duder, the Stereotypical Frat Boy. A member of the Delta Iota Kappa fraternity, Duder’s love for sex precedes his love for beer and dehumanizing pledges. His stunning, pretty boy looks and his family’s considerable wealth attracts countless women, most of whom aren’t sharp enough to realize he’s an Abercrombie and Fitch-sporting asshole. Quote: “Mmf, let’s go! There’s a nice, private spot behind the Burger King.”
	Caitlin, the Psycho-Bitch Ex-Girlfriend. The evil (and I stress evil) ex-girlfriend of Indie Rawk Jeffro. Why they broke up, only God (or maybe even Satan) knows. Despite their bitter separation, Caitlin, for some reason, maintains a constant, sinister presence in the Sausage Fest family. Majoring in World Domination, she is currently dating Jeffro’s roommate, Kyle the Duck. Her hobbies include emasculation and crocheting. Quote: “But you’re ugly and have a small dick… and at least tomorrow I’ll be sober…”
	Duder's Harem. A collection of sorority girls and undeclared majors, they aimlessly follow Duder around soliciting sex and/or alcohol. With their dyed-blonde hair and sleek fashion sense, the Harem remains an almost single, unified entity. Despite their vacant, inane facial expressions, they have the “most developed” physiques of all the characters. Quote: “My unborn fetus craves UV!”
	Seliena, the PC FAA Student. A determined advocate against everything and anything, Seliena is usually too politically correct for her own good. When this Fine and Applied Arts student is not seen in the art studio, she can be found writing angry editorial letters to the DI or picketing in front of an administration building. Quote: “What kind of role model are you?!”
	Zach xBleedMyHeartDryx, a.k.a. ZCC. ZCC is one of Chris’s closest friends and confidants. Their friendship is largely based on the finer things in life, namely Old Style and Jameson Whiskey. Furthermore, as Zach xBleedMyHeartDryx, he is Indie Rawk Jeffro’s Punk-Metal rival. Not necessarily the Anti-Jeffro, ZCC’s taste in music differs significantly from Jeffro’s. As a result, the two anti-pop music aficionados often quarrel on whose music better. Quote: “You know what’s a good book…? …The New Testament! The one with that Jesus fellow in it.”
	Szyxgla. When it becomes clearly apparent that Lizzy is indeed unattainable, Chris’s roommates decide to match him with another foreign girl with an accent. After all, according to them, the accent is probably why Chris is drawn to Lizzy. They soon introduce Chris to Szyxgla, a poor peasant girl from some war-torn East European country. Although she is incredibly attractive, she has the tendency of bringing up depressing stories about bloody coups or how her family members were killed in tragic, government uprisings. Quote: “In my country, happiness was outlawed by iron regime.”
	The U of I Whore. A U of I Whore is the type of person who wears excessive Illini gear and has an overwhelming – almost suffocating – sense of school pride. Always found at various sporting events and University-sponsored affairs, the U of I Whore’s school pride borderlines a sort of mental illness. Don’t be surprised that if you cut one of them they will literally bleed orange and blue. Quote: “I-L-L! I-N-I!”
	Drunk Mom. She is the typical University of Illinois alumnus who comes back to campus during Homecoming weekend and other university-related events. Attempting to relive her college days, she frequently gets drunk with her children. Quote: “Shweety, I think it’sh the perfect time to tell you thish…*hic* …but you’re adopted…”
	The Office of Admissions and Records Ninja. Trained in the mysterious ways of Bushido, the O.A.R. Ninja is the muscle for the University Administration. She is responsible for giving tours to prospective students, sending and receiving transcripts, and violently alerting students of late registration fees. Her ninjitsu skills match that of her fellow coworkers and tour guides, like the O.A.R. Viking or the O.A.R. Yeoman. Quote: “You can run! You can hide! But you cannot escape the U of I Administration!”
	Mark the Engineer. Mark is a Mechanical Engineering major who passionately despises all LAS students. According to him, engineering is a superior curriculum, one that demands more work and skill than that of the beer-drinking, party-throwing hippies studying LAS. It’s his disposition that fuels the ongoing rivalry between the engineering and liberal arts & science majors. Mark is also the leader of the Enginerds, an elite group of engineers. When not bashing LAS students, Mark can be found building various killer robots out of microwaves and puppies. Quote: “They can either go to hell or serve me my French fries.”
	Cyrus. A Nuclear Engineering major who hates everything about Nuclear Engineering, Cyrus is perhaps the whiniest engineer on campus. Despite his complete contempt for his major, he has no desire of switching; like Mark, he harbors an intense hatred for LAS students. After exhausting himself from complaining too much about his NE homework, Cyrus likes to either get incredibly inebriated or have wild, lengthy sex with his girlfriend, Kelly. Quote: “Come on, Kel, Maxim says 9 out of 10 women love this move…”
	Kelly the Nympho. A lover of lovemaking, Kelly is the leather-clad, pigtailed girlfriend of Cyrus. The two met when they discovered each other’s affinity for pain: Cyrus’s tolerance for Nuclear Engineering and Kelly’s love of whipping bound, hapless men with a spiked dildo. Her sweet, endearing personality and knowledge of every known sexual position makes her an amazing girlfriend and lover. Aside from her horny nature, she remains honest and wholesome, going to bars and ordering milk instead of beer. Quote: “Wait, don’t go! It can easily be an end somewhere!”
	Caffeinated Tim. Another member of the infamous Enginerds, Caffeinated Tim has – as you can guess – a caffeine addiction. Always drinking coffee, Mountain Dew, or Red Bull (and during finals week, a combination of all three), Caffeinated Tim spends his sleepless nights working on homework and various engineering projects. With his jittery movements and perpetually unkempt appearance, he looks like a psychotic drug abuser. Then again, he likes his engineering and caffeine, so psychosis may not be far off. Quote: “Aaron, I think you have a drug problem.”
	Tori. The female counterpart of Duder the Stereotypical Frat Boy, this buxom beauty is a member of the Kappa Upsilon Nu sorority, Tau Chapter. Like most girls who lack a speck of sensibility, Tori usually views Duder as a sexual plunder. When not wanting to fuck one of the most popular boys on campus, she likes to verbally abuse and emotionally demean other girls. Quote: "Oh my god. You look F-A-T!"
	Dusty. Of all the Enginerds, Dusty remains the most reasonable and compassionate. Majoring in Electrical Engineering, he sees Chris, a freshman, as a younger brother and protégé. Under his wing, he will help Chris survive college. Quote: “We even have an equation calculating how tragic our lives are… but you’ll learn it your junior year…”
	Professor Numbnutz-McHatehugh. After teaching at the University for over twenty years, Numbnutz remains a fairly disgruntled educational instructor. He’s sick of the drunkenness and the debauchery of apathetic college students, and the only thing that keeps him teaching after all these years is his eagerness to see his students fail. Numbnutz seems to be well versed in all subjects, so don’t be surprised if you see him leading an engineering lecture one day and an English discussion the next. For the sake of the cartoonist’s convenience, he’s just that versatile. Quote: “This is absolutely INEXCUSABLE!”
	P-Dawg, the Dancing Electrical Engineer. His real name is Prakash Dashrathbhai Patel, but because of his appreciation for hip-hop culture and old-school rap, he goes by “P-Dawg.” He’s currently studying Electrical Engineering at the University and is part of Mark’s group, the Enginerds. With funky fresh break-dancing moves and an intellectual mind to boot, P-Dawg is an engineer who’s off da hizzle. As you can probably guess, his favorite movie is You Got Served, and is eagerly awaiting the release of its sequel, You Got Served 2. Quote: “Yo, Holmes, you wanna check out my sick, new dance moves?”
	Death, a.k.a. The Grim Reaper, a.k.a. Nicole. Death can appear as a black-hooded skeleton, a beautiful punk-goth chick, or even a can of Fantana orange soda; he -- or she in this instance -- can come in any form. Death’s real name is actually Nicole, and using her near-infinite powers, she adds a mysterious, haunting, and overall alluring quality to the comic series. Quote: "I am the one they call the Grim Reaper, La Calaca, Yakubyougami, President of the Ford Motor Company, the Angel of Death... I AM DEATH!"
	Dave. Dave is one of Chris’s friends and fellow classmates in Advanced Sitting 101. With his large stature and scruffy appearance, this gentle giant resembles Sasquatch. He likes butterflies and clouds that resemble things. Quote: “Recently I’ve been having these creepy hallucinations of Death. In fact, he’s standing next to me right now.”
	The Parental Units. Chris’s parents are your typical suburban husband and wife. For 18 years, they raised their son on love, home-cooked meals, and a set guideline of principles and morals… so you can imagine how mind-blowing college will be for Chris. Quote: “C’mon, let’s go have sex in his bedroom before we convert it into a rec room.”
	Smashtastic Destructo-Bot. Part refrigerator, part toaster, this robotic menace is the senior engineering project of Kyle the Duck. Like all engineering projects, Smashtastic Destructo-Bot has a high probability of running amok and destroying the campus. Quote: “RAWR! MUST DESTROY LAS STUDENTS!”
	Jimmy the Voice of Indifference and Apathy. After it becomes abundantly clear that Nigel and Randy are not doing their jobs, Jimmy is sent to replace them. Incredibly lazy and unopinionated, Jimmy does absolutely nothing to help the SausageFest characters. Instead, he lays around eating Sunchips and watching Dr. Phil. Quote: "I think you should do... like, you know... whatever..."
	John Wilkes Embryo. John Wilkes Embryo is the only embryo that can abort you! With his revolver, top hat, and devilishly-styled mustache, he is a deadly assassin for hire! Quote: Embryos cannot talk, silly!
	Snake Eyes. Dishonorably discharged by the GI Joes for breaking the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy with members Gung Ho and Sgt. Slaughter, the ever-silent Snake Eyes became an assassin for hire. When he's not working he spends time flower-arranging in his home of Pasadena, with his life-partner, Storm Shadow. Quote: Ninjas can't talk, either!
	Elle Driver. As California Mountain Snake, Elle is the sassy one-eyed assassin of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. After confronting Snake Eyes, she loses her other eye by Ninja Please. Quote: "Don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful."
	Boba Fett. The intergalactic bounty hunter had settled down with a house and family until Nigel and Randy put a hit on Jimmy's head. A soccer dad and white-collared employee, he spends a lot of time at the golf course. Quote: "Ahoy."
	Storm Shadow. Secretly in love with his long arch-rival, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow is the white-clad ninja for Cobra. Of course, as a ninja, it's hard to be stealthy when wearing white. Quote: "COBRA LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!!"
	The Jesus. The Son of God, The Jesus likes to wear sandals, appear on sandwiches, and long walks on the beach. He's a cool guy. Quote: "Lemme be your home-boy, holmes."
	Random Chicken. The chicken makes odd appearances throughout the series. Its reason for appearing in the most unusual situations is unknown, but from what we gather, the random chicken is quite delicious with a side cup of honey mustard. Or so we speculate. Quote: “Buck-Buckaw…?”
	Squirrels. Like the Quad and frequent alcohol poisonings, squirrels are a mainstay on the U of I campus. They scuttle around the University like nobody’s business, sometimes killing unsuspecting students at their discretion. Quote: “Chik! Chik! Chik!”

(created by phillip nievera retuta)

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